Monthly Archives: April 2013

Prom Season

cover2Howdy-Do!

Happy May and welcome to that special time of the year…No, I’m not talking about baseball, and no, I’m not talking about spring and being able to do more outside, or gardening, or lawn care. Bar it from me to save us all the time of discussing Spring Turkey Hunting, fishing season starting, or the brand new season of Mad Men. No folks I’m blogging today about what that I feel is generally the American Teenager and American Women’s favorite time of year: Prom Season.

Yes, that magical time of year when all young teens and mother’s are succumbed to the social and peer pressures that make this season so F-ing grand! (Smell the sarcasm…)

Now, I’m not one to judge, but I will observe and voice a question(s) or scratch my head and wonder, “What the hell is the big deal?”

I went to my prom in high school.  It was nice, can’t complain.  Maybe it’s my ass getting older, which is fine, but when did this prom thing get to be the second coming of the Royal Wedding?

So, I was recently on a stroll through a “large shopping area, for fun let’s just say it was “A Mall.”  Per the school calendar year, my walk took place during Spring Break Week.  Keep in mind, I would have much rather been walking outside, but my current geographic living location did not permit the proper weather for an outdoor stroll, hence my indoor walking.  While walking, I noticed several stores full of various flocks of teenage girls and some supposed mothers.

From one store to another, I noticed the same trend: eye rolling, some giggles, various hand gestures of like and disgust, and the shuffling of said flocks from various store to store looking for dresses, purses and such. This sat with me at first to be a thought of, “What a nice bonding moment for mother/daughter.”  As a parent, I can see where this would be fun and a fine day had by all. So, my walk continued and I had this scene narrowed down to 3 different groups based on their actions and reactions:

1.  The daughter/mother paring that is having a blast. Likely the highlight of this young lady’s’ High School Social Career, if you will. Seems they got a dress and were looking for purses/shoes, both lightly sipping on an iced drink or smoothie. Laughing, having fun. I passed this pair twice upon my several lap walk and I hope they had a good day.

2.  Flock of Girls (4-5) with 2 mothers accompanying them, buying a few things, being a bit nit-picky and seeming to be discussing what others (who are not with them) are wearing, what not to wear and general gossip.  Generally, seems like not a bad day.  I passed this flock 2 or 3 times, seems like they were enjoying themselves.

3.  Daughter/Mother Tag Team: 2 daughters, 2 mothers. Nothing was good enough and both sets ran with the same theory.  My parenting senses told me to watch this group as I see a Perfect Storm of “Real Housewives/Sweet 16 Birthday/Teen Mom” about ready to hit the coast.  I passed this group three times and one daughter called her mother a bitch for not letting her acquire a specific type of purse.  Yes, folks, she wanted a Coach purse (yes, I know my purses).  The pair of mothers standing tall on “Nothing but the Best” platform has the girls degrading everything from the foam in their $6.50 coffee to the lack of nail polish a Sales Associate had on her finger nails.  More banter back and forth of who’s wearing what and comments including, but not limited to: “He better like this” and “Like, Um, I guess” as something was yet again not good enough.  Just then, the mothers whisk the girls away at some point to no other place but Victoria’s Secret to, I guess, you know, really set the tone of the night. awkward prom photo

So a few things that stick with me from Group 3:

1.  A COACH PURSE FOR PROM NIGHT?! Why and how?

2.  “He better like this.” True, but I’d suggest he better find a new date. Just me.

3.  The pair of mothers debating like it was their lone filibuster moment of what is good and what is trash.

4.  My only hope is the Victoria’s Secret visit was for only “proper fitting” undergarments and not a pitch for the girls to “Whore Up” the night.

Overall, my theory is the girl of Group 1 with her mother will have the time of her life, and her mother likely had the day of the year with her daughter. Group 2 will have a good time generally and their mothers likely got home and shared a bottle of wine, I hope. Girls and mothers of group three, nothing is ever good enough. Everything must be the princess moment. They will likely have a limo or some crap that night, big dinner, and 10 years or less down the road, it will be another circus-like event, only then on steroids, for the Wedding Day.

Cherish your kids. Work with them, not for them.  Don’t live vicariously through them, as much as you want to.  You had your time. It may have sucked, trust me, but let them have their time.  And if they want you to have that time, their time with you included, you’re doing it right and you’re lucky as can be.

Now, you all have a goodnight. I’ve got a tux to rent since I just picked up a limo driving gig in a few weeks.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks and enjoy!

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Cubs / Brewers

Howdy-do!

I hope this post finds you all well on this April day! Today I’d like to rant a tad about the interworking of me and my care for baseball. I’ve always been a fan of the game. I loved playing the game and love coaching my sons’ games. With the evolution of technology and various “game packages” you can now watch practically any game you wish from the comforts of your home, neighbor’s house, friend’s garage or favorite bar stool due to the evolution that started as Cable TV. Watching a game live in person or on TV makes me feel like I’m 10 years old again, at home watching my beloved Chicago Cubs AND Milwaukee Brewers. Yes, folks, spare me the insults and low blows, but I do, in fact, like and care for both teams! Always have, always will. Allow me to explain.

CHICAGO -1985:  Ron Cey #10 of the Chicago Cubs swings at the pitch during a game in the 1985 season at Wrigley Field in Chicago, Illinois .  (Photo by: Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

CHICAGO -1985: Ron Cey #10 of the Chicago Cubs during a game at Wrigley Field

Flashback: Rural Wisconsin, small town population 2,000, the summer of 1984. Two years prior I followed the 1982 Brewers through the World Series birth, and I was hooked on baseball. Move up two years to 1984, and I’m rocking Springsteen’s Born in the USA with my Mom, hearing Eddie Van Halen shred the hell out of the album 1984. With that, in ’84, something happened in my home: CABLE TV! I watched the Cubs on WGN, the Mets on WOR, the Braves on TBS and the Brewers on any local affiliate.

Being able to watch around 100 Cubs games was enjoyable and they quickly became my “other team.” I’d run home from the school bus stop to hit WGN to catch the end of the day game as Wrigley Field did not have lights until 1988 (8/8/88 to be exact). I was forever changed with watching baseball, specifically the Cubs by the simple, now mainstream, household product of cable television. I’ve learned through the years that I’m not the only person this happened to. The 1984 Cubs are responsible for many fans, and, for many kids my age at the time, we had the ultimate dream: Brewer’s/Cubs Word Series. You see, many kids now do not realize that in the 80’s, and up until 1998, the Brewers were in Major League Baseball’s American League , and the Cubs were in the National League. For years I would dream of this epic World Series to occur. Every opening Day of baseball and for a stretch even deep into the season, I had hope. There was a chance.

My Dad would laugh at my Harry Caray impression, which to this day I’m told “ain’t bad.” Ryne Sandburg, Ron Cey, Bob Dernier, Gary Matthew’s Sr., Keith Moerland and Jody Davis were the players’ stats I could rattle off at a moment’s question. In order to be in the know of each player’s stats and successes from the day prior, I had a habit of memorizing the morning’s paper at the café where my mother waitressed.

Now with many modern advances, most of the past is such as that, simply history. The Smartphone, Internet and Live Updates are now at the tip of your finger to see a player’s production. Don’t get me wrong, this is great, trust me, but it never hurts to think back to what and how “it” was.

As history shows, the “Greatest Series Ever Played” never occurred and with that may never will. My only hope now is for a playoff match-up of my two favorite teams. What I have now as an adult is something that has progressed to perhaps be even better than what I had as a kid: Rivalry!

Brewers sweep the Cubs July 2011. My front yard courtesy of good friend and fellow Little League coach Tony Dietz

Brewers sweep the Cubs July 2011. My front yard courtesy of good friend and fellow Little League coach Tony Dietz

Just the same as any team vs. my beloved Green Bay Packers that other team is the rival. So for rivalry sake and for fun, I’ll side with the Cubs when the Cubs and Brewers match up, in most cases, honestly, to make things interesting as no other team from the City of Chicago has ever received my endorsement (besides the Bulls of the 90’s) and never will. I’ve been blessed with many friends, most of which are Brewer fans and some being quite hard core. This has opened the door to some great banter, a lunch wager, 6-pack and 12-packs riding on a series, and various items shoved in people’s lawns. With that, I see it the same: There is a chance, a chance to send that text and to send that email or to throw a broom in someone’s lawn upon a regular season’s series sweep. The rivalry (if you really call it that) keeps me upbeat, keeps me alert, and keeps me a kid in some ways, I guess.

I will gladly take your jabs at the Cubs, as many have said they do indeed “suck.” Be sure to save some of your energy for that one or two times a season you will get to hear from me and let me put in my order for lunch, beer or washing my car.

Some say it is juvenile, some say it is silly, but both lead to what we as adult men wish we were once again: kids.

For making me feel like a kid again, I and many others feel the same, thank you Cable TV.

Growing Up The Clown

Howdy-Do!

Welcome to the latest and greatest post, folks! Hope this finds you well!

Recently, I ran into an old friend from High School. We both were in a “large retail store,” we shall say. We exchanged pleasantries, if you will, and had a very nice short, but in-depth, catch-up. She asked me about my kids; I asked her about her life. We chatted about divorce, closing in on 40, and how we both cannot believe how time flies.

84302910-9076-3fc1-85b6-d9dd940c7e27As we were about to continue our shopping and be on our separate ways, she made a statement that caught me a bit off guard, yet made me feel proud and threw some kerosene on this little fire I’ve started. She said, “Kris, honestly, I thought you would be on Comedy Central or something like that. You’re still so damn funny!”

Growing up, I was in fact the clown. Class clown, neighborhood loon, you name it, I did it and all in clean fun, for the most part. From light pranks around the house to messing around with odd plans, I was always thinking of a way to get a laugh, and I still do. Years ago playing softball, a friend and I initiated a post-game bat spin. April Fools’ Day is the greatest Holiday as far as I’m concerned, next to Festivus, of course. Hell, I was even part of an office prank involving a fake employee, and we were simply a Social Security Number away from a paycheck.

As a kid, I would watch The Tonight Show with the late, great Johnny Carson. My dad still talks about how I’d barley get through the monologue and drift off to sleep. By age 12, I was able to stay awake for the first guest. By 15, I was enthralled with Arsenio Hall, FOX’s In Living Color, and I’d slug Mountain Dew to catch Letterman. As a teen, A&E’s Evening at the Improv was a staple for my dad and me. To this day with all of the various avenues to view and hear comedy, I’m likely watching and or listening to it.

I didn’t arrive at this wit on my own by just watching TV or listening to the radio. Overall, my family has always had a sense of humor, but I’ve always had the sense ability to read others. I’ll read you, and do my best to get a laugh out of you. Oddly, I don’t know why. I just do, and, as a parent of two fine young gents, they have it too (more to come on those two in a later post or three…).homey_the_clown-280

So, I’m standing in the large retail store, with my old classmate with that statement weighing on me in a way. I said, “Keep following me on Facebook and Twitter; I think you’ll like what I’ve got cooking.” She chuckled and said, “Ok, will do,” and we parted ways to meet again another time.

Interesting she made that statement.  As per my recent desire to start this blog as well as other things that are “a brew”, it made me feel good. As if I still have it or something.

The comment still hangs with me, and it’s been a spark, to a degree. Timing, I suppose, which, in fact, is all part of the art of comedy, must be waited for. With some help and some wonderful insight, I think you all have waited long enough. Hang in there with me; this should be a fun ride. So, if this were in fact a bathroom wall I’d give you:

MY ASS BLOWS RAUNCH ASS FOG, FOLLOW ME AND MY BLOG!

Thanks!

“Buy the ticket, take the ride” – HST

Hello to the Internets

304315_2311467075854_3839916_nHowdy-Do!?

Welcome to what I like to call “My Latest Endeavor” with a little help from my friends…

Mamma always said I had a face for radio and dark rooms, so here we go! With that I’m taking my “talents” (so I’ve been told) to this Internet thing, or, as I like to say, “The Internets.” I’m still reluctant on this web thing holding on. Could it be the next Beta Max or Laser Disc? I’ll run with it as I have with the fore mentioned forms of media and give it a try.

With this being my first blog post, and what I feel will be a boat-load of fun for us all going forward, I will shed for you a little insight on me and my demented, yet wacky, thoughts and life.

I’m Kristoffer Olson. Since I was young, I have enjoyed making people laugh. I continue to love doing so through the trials of life and various personal injuries. I’m a father of two fine young, chaps and the proud“other half” of a very fine lady friend, Tina, who may otherwise be known as “The TLF” (Tina Lady Friend). Wherein I may be a vast world traveler, I’ve seen some great things, been a part of some interesting moments,  good and bad, and have been fortunate through it all to have a solid outlook on life; hence, the reason for my desire to share it with you.

My loves in life are my kids, my family, my friends, comedy, music, sports, beer, steak, my beloved Packers, social media, Ashley Judd, new shoes, toll-free highways, Hunter S. Thompson, relationships, the outdoors, sitting in my garage watching sports, my thoughts on the use of term“girlfriend” beyond the age of 20, 12 point bucks, and making people feel good.

I’ll be posting my thoughts on all of the above; I’ll be sharing with you my outlooks on life, relationships, the trials of life, sports, why Lindsey Lohan should be my maid, the designated hitter Rodger Goodell, and whatever else comes to mind. I will share with you my travels, my planned locations and stops, as well as some other exciting plans I have in store. Just as in life, hang around with me and you’ll have some fun and entertainment, baby!

You can follow me on Twitter at @fightinamish64

Facebook at www.facebook.com/fightinamish64

Instagram:  fightinamish64

Thank you for stopping by and watch for my next post soon!